OFF THE WALL DINER

A visit to the Off The Wall Diner was a long time coming. Home of the “World’s Hottest Chilli Burger”, this gourmet burger joint located at Wellington Point is an infamous battleground for lovers of searing hot chilli.

United, six of us were hungry for battle but when we arrived we found the enemy’s armoury heavily depleted – enough only for a couple of rounds. As a show of respect we sent forth two of our finest warriors. Little did we know our arrogance would be our undoing.

We offered them the option to peacefully surrender. Politely they declined. Instead they offered us water and rations but only if we would accept their rules of engagement – one on one close combat, our greatest versus theirs, to the victors the spoils of war, names etched upon a monument as immortals…

We agreed to their terms without hesitation.

Not a moment later their greatest emerged – its body, scored and weathered, a blade still deeply and firmly embedded. Another emerged identical in stature and we recalled then terrifying stories of demonic engineering, dismissed as tall tales of defeated men…

Flesh spliced with corrosive powders, lathered in potent pastes, coated with oils mixed in embryonic fluids. Drenched in mega death. 550000 SHUs adorned with vibrant vegetation and hidden within its leaf, layers of plant-form capsaicin. Such a beast, if it could exist, would be birthed from the fires of Hell.

But stories are just stories so our warriors stood firm. They showed no fear.

Donning protective gauntlets both our warriors looked upon the enemy. One with a smile, he lusted for war. The other with concern having survived close battles before.

With brash confidence our duo struck the first blow, gouging deep into the enemy’s flesh. But jubilance soon turned to horror as they reeled in disbelief. The stories that were just stores were true…

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Some say the battle raged on for 40 days and 40 nights. A story told to incite fervour in spite of great defeat. In truth it lasted barely 40 minutes. Such was the ferocity of the battle, a rapid succession of minor defeats: hiccups, burns, pain, numbness, then a complete loss of tactility as its poison trickled into the deepest reaches of the gut and up into the brain, a confusion of body temperature, uncontrollable shaking, self-induced expulsion from any orifice that would let it and eventually, the overwhelming desire to surrender completely. We had failed…

There were other tales of bravery that day. A warrior on the sidelines stepped in to assist but he too fell in battle. He took a piece out of a beast but without protection he was doomed to fail. Incapacitated by a strike to the eye he managed to retreat to the sidelines with his eyesight intact. With a smile he vowed to return swearing sweet revenge.

A valiant effort, an enemy heavily wounded, but ultimately a complete defeat. Our chosen fought well but we did not realise what we were truly up against and we paid the price for such ignorance.

But rest assured next time we will be prepared. We will be victors. We will come at them with unrelenting force – with no mercy, no retreat… and no surrender.

Off The Wall Diner
Shop 4/380 Main Street
Wellington Point, Queensland, Australia